You're

You’re too soft. You’re too hard. You’re too shy. You’re too loud. You’re too quiet. I tell myself that everything that I need to be is in all the words that everyone around me as ever said. Don’t do this, but be this. Be that. Don’t be too much of this, but be a lot of that. Those lies are deceiving and so are your eyes. Your breath on my neck and your hands on my hips as I think about all those little things that I’m not, but I am and your lips fall heavily on my mouth and those thoughts melt away. But then again, I think too much. I speak too much. I can’t wait to get out of your presence. I hate you as much as I’ve hated anyone, yet I can’t wait to be with you. Push me away like you do with everyone. Tell me all of your secrets late at night, naked with your chest heaving up and down. Then push me out the door, tell me to leave, ask me quickly to go, as you pull on your pants, and turn on the sink to brush your teeth.Don’t look at me. Don’t even talk to me. Let me fall in love. Let me in, but only for a second. Kiss me hard. Slowly. Long and with fervor. Push me out the door. Don’t forget to throw me away. I’m too quiet. I’m too loud. I’m too shy. I’m too hard. I’m too soft.

The Modern Femme

I have officially made a proper website for my blog. There is a domain name and everything! I feel so official. 

It would mean so much to me if you could take a peek at it!

The Modern Femme

Thank you!

And I realized that I’m always going to be missing somebody, in the thoughtful corners of my mind. That I reflect too often on the things that don’t matter. People who have long since moved on from me but my conscious won’t let them slip away. My thoughts are often like quicksand and I sink further and further into this dark hole of missed connections, memories, and self doubt. 

Sam Smith

I had Brandon download Sam Smith’s album for me since it’s not yet released here in the US and I couldn’t wait any longer. Trust me, I will be purchasing his album once it is released since he deserves everything he gets.

His voice gives me shivers and he seems like a genuine guy. Plus, Daisy Lowe is his girl, and everyone knows how much I love her.

If you want proof of how phenomenal he is, just watch his cover of “How Will I Know” by Whitney Houston.

CHILLS.

Se7en Cupcakes and Martinis

Nobody loves cupcakes more than yours truly. I love making them, I love smelling them, I love looking at them and I especially love eating them. When I heard that there was going to be a cupcake bar opening right down the street from me, I knew I had to go immediately!

Se7en Cupcakes and Martinis concept is almost quite self explanatory by the title of their restaurant: 7 cupcakes and 7 martinis named after the 7 deadly sins. 

Lust: Red velvet martini/cupcake

Gluttony: Salted caramel martini/cupcake

Sloth: Lemon martini/cupcake

Wrath: Chocolate martini/cupcake

Envy: Strawberry martini/cupcake

Pride: Birthday cake martini/cupcake

I went with a friend on a Friday night after work and was extremely surprised to see only a handful of people surrounding the bar or sitting. As I know it is a new restaurant, maybe enough people don’t know it exists yet. I hope so, because as soon as people taste these cupcakes, the place will be hopping. I had both a Wrath martini and cupcake. I’m a chocolate girl by nature and if there is chocolate on the menu, I refuse to pass it up. 

My friend indulged in lust since we’re both lacking a little love in our lives and both cupcakes were divine. The icing delicious, but the cake a tad dry since it was so late in the day. I’m thinking they may have been sitting out for a good portion of the day. If we had come earlier, I’m sure they would have been beautifully moist (god, I hate that word but it’s the only one I could think of using!). 

As more people discover this place, I’m sure there will be a line out the door to get their hands on those cupcakes and sin all night.

https://www.facebook.com/SevenCupcakesMO

Inspiration

I think being creative takes a lot of energy to have, and it also takes a lot of energy out of you. Energy is something that I am severely lacking in at the moment, between work and my internship and trying to hang out with friends and family, by the time I have a spare moment, I'm so tired.

One of my main goals this year is to get my main blog up and running, with a proper domain and keep it updated on a weekly basis. Writing that down makes it seem like an easy thing to do, but when life is thrown into the mix it becomes something that I have to force myself to do at the end of the day. I've noticed that I haven't even been keeping a personal journal in months, which saddens me. Writing is my biggest passion and I'm constantly disappointing myself by not doing it more often.

I used to write everyday and now it's on the rare occasion that I have this intense urge to put pen to paper.

Promises to myself need to be kept and I promise that I will keep this more updated. If only to keep me sane.

Lulu's and Skorts

This blog comes at you today with two very different subjects in mind: Lulu's Local Eatery and skorts.

I was starving at my internship today, so I went with Katlyn to the new shopfront of the local food truck, "Lulu's." I've never had really great vegetarian food until I stepped inside this shop. Everything about it was excellent: the chalkboard menus, the mason jars of fresh-cut flowers, the outdoor seating, and the little open kitchen.

I had a "Sweet Potato Black Bean Burger" that was SO GOOD. My mouth is still watering from it and it's been three hours later. This is one St. Louis vegetarian eatery that this carnivore recommends. 

The next topic I want to talk about are skorts. Now, I haven't thought about skorts since I was about 8 and thought they were just the coolest things, ever. Shorts and a skirt? You mean, I could do cartwheels in them and I wouldn't show the world my goods? Yes, please! 

I was reminded of this wonderful gem a few weeks ago when I saw a girl wearing them and wondered where in the world she bought them. I immediately googled and realized they were once again being back on trend!

Here are a few examples of some of my favorite versions of the skort:

Target: $24.99

ASOS: $66.69

ASOS: $57.16

Is the skort one of your must-have items on your summer list? Or am I the only one who is super stoked to have this back in her wardrobe? 

Be With You

I’m drunk and all I can think about is you. How much I like you and how nice it would be to be with you, even though it won’t ever happen. How nice it would be to wake up to you in the morning and see you laying next to me, hands on my hips and sleeping faintly away. How nice it would be to be considered yours, as much as I hate that term since no one should be considered anyones. How nice it would be to have your scent clinging to me as I go throughout my day.

Sometimes I wish even though it won’t ever be true.

Compliments

I became more aware of fashion at the age of 16. I had always showed an interest, but I really started to discover clothes at around that age. People had always thought I dressed strangely, and I would get weird looks when I was younger when I would try a new look. 

The person I looked up to the most was my friend Lucy, who never cared what people thought of her and always wore whatever she wanted. So much so that in eighth grade she wore a refurbished wedding dress that she found at Goodwill. It even had all the toile beneath the dress to make it extra large. Now, I never wore a wedding dress to school, but she was a huge influence in helping me establish my identity and style through clothing.

But with style, also came the negativity about my body. Body issues have always been there, but clothes became something that I could put on that made me more self confident. I found that my arms were something that I would hate until this day, so I always make sure to cover them with some sort of sleeve. I realized I had nice legs, so to always show those off. My waist is also small, so I always keep in mind to wear belts of cropped tops that accent those areas. When I do those things, my negativity becomes positive.

All throughout high school people would always comment on the weird clothes I would wear, and claim they could never wear it themselves, yet I somehow pulled it off. Senior superlatives I won “Best Dressed” which was quite an accomplishment since I was not that popular in high school.

However, that’s a huge compliment to me, people thinking that I dress well. I thinking dressing well is important because it’s the very first thing that people notice about you. And the only reason this blog post came about is people complimenting on my appearance today. It's the little things that count and can make a crummy day into a brilliant one!

What is some of your favorite compliments?

Sugarfire Barbecue

If you're not a fan of meat or barbecue, don't read any further, or perhaps do because this might change your mind. Sugarfire Smokehouse has opened a new location in St. Charles, and I finally had the opportunity to eat the food that so many people have been raving about.

Now, I am a Pappy's girl through and through, but I must admit I began questioning myself when I first bit in to my pulled pork sandwich. Pappy's definitely has some competition, and it's about time too!

The meat was tender and delicious, along with the "St. Louis Sweet" sauce I drowned the pork in. It is one that I highly recommend.

Photo from Sugarfire's website

As for your sides, I would go for the house fries (everyone's favorite!), or the green beans. Yes, mom, I'm finally eating my greens. And while these things are filling your tummy and expanding your waist belt, wash it all down with one of their signature shakes (chocolate peanut butter bourbon, anyone?).

Sugarfire's St. Charles location is rustic and charming. With a community style seating arrangement inside, outdoor seating, and a carside ordering, it's the perfect place to drop in on these upcoming summer nights.

http://sugarfiresmokehouse.com/

Prep + Prime

I don't often find a product that I immediately become obsessed with, but as soon as my face met this primer, it was true love. My skin automatically looks brighter and more healthy. When my foundation is applied, it's applied more smoothly and evenly than other primers that I have used in the past.

It almost looks like there is glitter in the formula, so if you're off put by that, this is not the product for you, but I am one for a light glimmer on my cheeks at all times.

Paloma Faith

Can we take a moment to appreciate Paloma Faith and the incredible range this woman has? I became aware of her the beginning of last year with her song "Black & Blue," and have been hooked ever since. Her vocal ability blows my mind. She has such control over her voice and it makes me incredibly jealous that I can't sing.

Plus, her style is to die for. If I could pull off her light hair and dark eyebrow look, I would. Plus, the outfit in the video below is everything I want in life and more.

Check her out! "A Perfect Contradiction" is available now on iTunes. Don't miss out!

Live by these rules.

Take things as they are and don't question them. Don't explode from sadness or unquestionable doubt. Keep moving forward and you'll find the person you're meant to be. Keep it all in and you'll be rewarded. Be pretty, act mean, don't let others dictate your happiness. Selfish people live longer. Lust and desire only last so long and then there is nothing, so moving on is key to any relationship. Let people in but only for a moment because once they see inside your soul, you're done and they know how to hurt you. Be afraid but never show it. Courage and hope is the only facade you can show to the people around you. Don't let it all infect the being of your flesh. You're better than that. You don't care. You're over it. Shrug your shoulders. Put on your lipstick and fake it until you make it because everyone is a phony.

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Books are the only thing that keep me sane when I feel like the whole world is caving in on me.

22 Things Before 23

Since I am turning 22 on Sunday, I thought I'd make a list of 22 things that I would like to accomplish before I turn 23.

1. Learn how to ice a cake properly
2. Graduate college/university
3. Have one of my short stories published
4. Go to California
5. Go to Seattle
6. Learn how to cook
7. Read at least 50 books
8. Get an internship with an editing company
9. Update my blog weekly
10. Skype my friends from other cities and keep updated
11. School girl uniform
12. Donate my clothes and shoes
13. Start my YouTube channel
14. Learn how to skateboard
15. Be more carefree and take things as they come. No overthinking!
16. Go skydiving
17. Practice French once a week
18. Pay off one of my student loans
19. Keep my savings account full of money
20. Volunteer at the library
21. Finish my recipe book for Christmas
22. Photoshoot

Do I look older than I am? Am I too old? Turning 22 in a week is a strange feeling because it's as if now I don't have any birthdays to look forward to. I'm now too old to be anything phenomenal.

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If I live 1/hundredth of the life that Bill Murray has lived, I'll have lived an amazing life.

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Make-up purchases make the world go round.

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Bad habits die hard and I'm trying to get a handle on mine.

Anxiety in the Workplace

Everyday I fight the bile rising in my throat when I think about work. When I know that I have to work with my manager, I start to hyperventilate and have very irrational thoughts about what could happen and what I could do to get out of going into work.

Now, I've never felt this way about my job before. I've enjoyed working with the people that I work with and genuinely enjoy the regular customers that I have. But, having a new manager who doesn't exactly mesh with your style of learning or working isn't the best environment to be in. Especially when you're an anxious person like I am, it tends to make your fear and anxiety heighten.

I understand that I should have a hold on my anxiety, that I should probably see a therapist or take anti-anxiety medication for my panic attacks, but even thinking about those two things serves up more anxiety in my body.

Does this mean that I have failed? Does this make me half of a person to feel fear and anxiety and panic rising in my throat daily? Even if I see my phone ringing and it is work calling me, my hands start to shake. This isn't healthy.

I have been slowly trying to find a new job. I printed off my resume and have sent it to a few places. I am sending it to bookstores so I can hide my face in the books and pretend I am in a modern day Jane Austen book.

You know, priorities.

Please send help.

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I need to get back into shape or I feel like I won't ever be happy.

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Good movies that make you cry are what make life worth living.

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Although I didn't have a good day, I'm just glad I have friends who understand me.

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Conversations with my mom after another shitty day at work is something I'll miss when I move out. Her advice, although I hardly ever take, is always welcoming.

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Hanging out with a friend's family who are just so awesome and nice and welcoming and inviting is one of the best feelings in the world. I haven't laughed that hard in one night in a long time.

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When your friend almost burns down their house because the fireplace was closed, just sit on the couch and laugh.

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Happiness at weddings.

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Andy's custard was brought to St. Louis and that's what I did last night. Went to Andy's got a Jackhammer and now feel sick to my stomach.

Yum.

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There are people in the world that know the exact right thing to say when you're feeling down. Also, new lipstick makes you feel a shitload better.

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Although I'm not so sure about my new manager, I love the rest of my coworkers.

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Naps are the greatest thing in the world.

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Sometimes you just have to let things go and have fun and ignore your phone.

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The movie "Her" is a treasure.

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You don't realize how nice it is being warm until you're stuck in -4 degree temperature for 4 days.

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I'm being forced to take a semester off from school because of financial reasons. I was upset about this, but today I applied for internships and made a savings list and hugged my cat because she could tell I was sad. I'm doing things to fill my time because I know I will finish school and get my degree, and until that happens I'll make sure to save money to pay off my loans, go see parts of the USA that I've never seen, and be happy with the things that are in my life.

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New TV shows

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Thank god I have a sense of humor or life just wouldn't be any fun.

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My mom is one of the greatest bakers in the world and I'm glad that she was my teacher.

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Sometimes, I'm thankful for humanity and the human spirit inevitably being good.

http://www.natureknows.org/2013/12/20th-century-fox-gave-him-25000-to-make.html

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I watched a video yesterday about this guy's life and how he overcame the struggle of living with an alcoholic mother and an unsupportive father, to live the life that he wants to lead. I'm thankful for the fact that my mom is so supportive of me and tries to help me in anyway that she can. I just hope one day to make her proud.

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1. I read "Bossypants" by Tina Fey today in the comfort of my comfortable couch. My cat snuggled against my feet keeping them warm, and I realized how much I miss reading without requirement.