Remember

Remember that these things happen for a reason.
You're you. You're you.
Take a chance and a deep breath. People love you as soon as you show them.
As soon as you take off that facade and that exterior you keep the real you hidden behind.
Don't be afraid to fall.
Don't be afraid to take a chance and seek out adventure every day.
Keep that smile on your face until it becomes real.
Because one day it will become real.
Turn on the radio so loud you can't hear yourself think.
Sit in the dark with all the blinds closed and hum that song you're embarrassed to like.
Then open the blinds and let everyone hear you sing it at the top of your lungs.
Don't be afraid to be yourself.
There are too many people being fake in the world, don't become one of them.
Change yourself for no one because no one is worth that.
Wear your favorite shoes.
Tell yourself you're beautiful and start to mean it.
Because you are.
You have two eyes, a nose, a mouth, and two ears.
Hands.
Fingers.
You're healthy.
You're timeless.
You're beautiful.
Fall down and break your arm when you're riding a skateboard for the first time.
Get back on the skateboard.
Buy a one way ticket to anywhere in the world.
Meet new people.
Drink new beer.
Go to a cricket match and learn the game for yourself.
Scream with the fans.
Be you in a world that is less than themselves.
Never be afraid.

Me. Me. Me.

I think everyone has those days where you feel absolutely disgusting to the point where you don't even want to look into the mirror. I'm currently having one of those days today. I'm sitting in my room with some old ratty shorts and a t-shirt because it's 98 degrees outside and the humidity is at 85%. I'll basically melt if I step out of my house.

But, I woke up and looked in the mirror this morning and wanted to cry because I hated everything I saw. My arms are too fat. My face is too round. My legs touch. My nose is too wide. Everything was wrong with me. How could I not have seen these things before? Why didn't I notice the redness that flooded my cheeks in an awkward way? Why didn't I see how noticeable my crooked tooth is on the bottom row of my mouth? How could I not have realized these things yesterday?

I came to realize it was just because I was in a bad mood. I wasn't feeling up to being awake for the day. I didn't feel this way yesterday because I was confident yesterday. I had a good night sleep. I ate properly.

I guess what I'm trying to explain for myself is that looks are based off confidence. I look the same today as I did yesterday, but I was happy, cheerful, and well rested yesterday. I still had the same face and body, but with a slightly different attitude.

We all have those bad days and sometimes we need to roll with the punches and notice the good things about ourselves before we deny them.

This is me. One of my favorite "selfies" that I have taken. I need to remember on days like today that I can be pretty, I just need to have confidence. 

So, this is me.

I think I should start off by saying that I’m of average height. I’m not too tall, I’m not too short, I’m just somewhere in between. That explains a lot about me, to be honest. Explains most of the things in my life.

I’m afraid of many things, like falling asleep on buses and slipping in the bath tub. I fear the brittle cold of my fingertips when the heater shuts off for the night and letting go of secrets late at night. I slip in this comfortable sadness too easily and that scares me the most.

I don’t like the sound of a car horn or of dogs barking too loudly. I hate the incessant heat of the summer where your clothes are sticking to your body and you can smell your own sweat. I hate how you get sleep in your eyes, such a silly term, but love it when a young child rubs at it early in the morning. 

I hate the irregular pauses of my breathing when I’m about to have a panic attack. The fast breaths and pains in the bottom half of my chest.

 
I think I should tell you that, although I’m not religious, I love Christmas time. I love the songs and the snow and the excitement in the faces of strangers. I like the happy glow of lights on passing couples faces as they cross the street with their gloved hands interlocked. 

You should know that I laugh too loudly at sitcoms when I’m by myself and cringe afterwards. I drink to forget things and fear that fact that something bad could happen if I continue living that way. I wear red lipstick too much and love when it’s smudged across my face.

I like being disheveled. Clothes falling off my shoulders and my hair in every direction. I smile too often and kiss people, who don’t mean anything to me, too passionately. I stumble over my words and fumble around in the dark for a light switch in case of monsters. 

I wish that I was much more interesting, so people would be drawn to me. I collect quotes and hide them in the nightstand of my bed. I write often about people that don’t think often about me. People I wish I could kiss passionately, but let slip away by kissing them tentatively. 

I grow out my hair and get bored in the middle of the night and cut it off. When I’m lonely, I let the cool breeze from the window tickle my skin and hug my pillow to my chest.

I am often lonely.

I bite my lips so much they become bruised and I often point my toes towards each other when I walk and I don’t like to look at people in the eye because I fear they’ll know all my secrets and upon reading this I feel you’ll pierce my soul with your eyes and never want to speak to me again.

Mentally Preparing

I have about two months left before I leave for London. I haven't started mentally preparing myself at all. Right now I'm mainly focused on working as much as possible, saving money, and not going out. Mostly because I don't want to spend money, also because most of my friends don't live in the same area as I do anymore.

It's strange growing up. That fact has hit me more than ever. I was at work and noticed someone I hadn't seen since high school going up and down some aisles. As he approached the cashier, I came out of my office and quickly said hi. It was someone that I was good friends with three years ago, but time and space has come between us. We were awkward standing there, trying to catch up on moments in the past years that we had missed out on. But, sometimes it becomes too challenging to try and reiterate points of your life that has deemed importance to you, but maybe not as much to others.

Everyday I look at my phone and notice the countdown. 83 more days until I leave. I keep looking into travel books, scrolling through ads online, trying to uncover the most information I can before I eventually pack up my life and go.

Is that scary? Not yet..

I know it will be once it becomes closer and closer to the date. I'll cry when I have to say goodbye to my mom. I'll cry when I have to say goodbye to my cats, especially Miss. Luxor, who is the ultimate sassy ass cat. But most especially, when I finally have to say goodbye to the one home that I have had my whole life. Never once have I moved out of my childhood home.

Yes, shut up, I am 21.

(But, my mom is alone and willing to help and I love her more than anything and being home is nice so shut your mouth.)

So, for the first time in my life, I will be completely on my own. No holding back. No coming home to the comfortable. To the familiar. New country. New things. New me? Maybe.

Hopefully.

Until 83 days from now, I am trying to mentally prepare myself for everything. Prepare my mind for the culture shock. For the new friends. For the new moments I know will be coming my way.

And I can't fucking wait.

Good Bye

I told you that I didn’t want you anymore.

That I was over everything.

I put on my best smile for you.

Touched your forearm one last time.

And laughed.

I captured the dead look in your eye

As you watched me

Pick at my sweater

And run my fingers through my hair.

You said okay.

You said good-bye.

I tripped over my feet

And walked outside.